How I Loved
Love was when the wait was a misery, when waiting was the biggest pleasure. Love was when company was all you desired, when company was all that mattered. Love was when things smiled at you and you smiled back at them. Love was when dreams had no place in life, when it was a dream that you were living. Love was when the heartbeat quickened at the mention of a name, when the heart skipped a beat at the sight of a face. Love was when a voice was music, when a voice could soothe you, when it could break all barriers and remove all shackles. Love was when a touch touched your heart, when a touch was as good as the meeting of your souls. Love was the holding of hands and furtive glances to see if anyone was watching. Love was a wink in public. Love was an unexpected gift. Love was when you stopped yourself from saying those words, when you said something you didn’t intend to, when both of you blushed. Love was when you stooped low, when ego mattered not, when self-respect was not a consideration. Love was what you carried with you. Love was when you were with your love. Love was the gifting of a rose. Love was your happiness.Love was the tinge of green in the white expanse of snow. Love was the aroma of the rain-wetted ground. Love was the chirping of a bird. Love was the setting of the sun, the splashes of color on the canvas they call the sky. Love was the game of hide and seek that moon played at night. Love was the birth of a sapling, the blooming of a flower. Love was screaming of the wind. Love was the distant elusive view. Love was the twinkling of the stars. Love was the peak of the tallest mountain. Love was the tear in your eye. Love was the breaking of your voice. Love was the shaking of your arms. Love was when you went weak in the knees. Love was when you could think of no one else. Love was when you wanted to think of no one else. Love was when no one else mattered. Love was when you mattered, when love mattered.
I thought this was love.
Then I fell in love.
I had a responsibility towards her. I came to know that was love. I so wanted to tell her but could not hurt her. That, I knew was love. I spent all my time with her, but it was never enough. Every moment of mine was smeared in love. The more I thought of her, the more she dominated my thoughts. That became of love. I forgot my aims and her aims were mine. That became of love. I felt she wanted me around. That became of love. I thought she needed me. Thus changed the definition of love. I thought I was being selfless and she could not even comprehend my depths. Thus warped my thoughts, love. I thought I showed strength when I made her cry. It gave me satisfaction. Thus I loved. I wanted her to do as I wished. Love guided me to it. I let her speak and never let my thoughts out, afraid I might lose her. Thus love had me bound. I spewed poison behind her back as love would not let me reprimand her. Thus love it was, that turned me into a monster.
Love was but my perception of her. Love was what I wanted of her. Love was my happiness under a façade of her happiness. Love was my desires fulfilled but at her cost. Love was mine, but it was her responsibility to bear the pains of it. Love is blind, but she was supposed to stumble in my stead. Love inspires you. I tried my best to inspire her from my love. Love is supposed to be beautiful. I wanted her to acknowledge that I was beautiful and so were my feelings. Love knows no limits. My limits always stretched a little farther than the space she allowed. Love is the happiness of the one you love. I rejoiced when I gave her that happiness. If that happiness came from someplace else, I squirmed at my failure to be the cause of it every single time. Her happiness did not give me pleasure. I wanted her to be happy at my success. I wanted her success to depend on me.
I succeeded in all of the above.
I realized, I had started with love.
I remained.
Love ended.
So much for the king of all virtues, being selfless in love. So much for the paragon of emotions, LOVE.
posted by Swetank Gupta @ 5:10 pm
16 Comments:
Mann...your prose too is poetic. What else I can say? "I remained. Love ended." rendered speechless at this.Thanks for this post.
now of all the romantic stories i read this one is sure burning rite to the top of teh charts.
a superb description of love really, i mean excellently worded. Actually every line fits aptly, maybe that's how we all see love? I guess. btw already bookmarked ur blog! keep up teh good wrk
Ultimate!!!
swet, dear, please update..nothing more.. dun feel like commenting anything about love stuff..
all i feel and know is that 'love is something that stays..' ..
so if u can relate to this then you will know if that really was love or not.you know na what ia m saying..
anyways tc..
akanksha..
Couldn't help but smile while reading...you know why.
I loved this post! LOVED it!
If I was writing this...I'd have said..'So much for the fucken set of feelings...called Love.'
the first part reminded me of the feelings that i considered to be love when i was younger. i'd still like to believe that all that was love because those experiences made me feel good.
but today the definition of love is different for me. or maybe i don't know how to define love anymore.
selfishness and selflessness...u've written about the two very subtly. love it!
and a great post overall. awesome!! :)
update!
Okay, you jackass, UPDATE. X-(
Thanks for dropping by!
I must say I love the Akanksha poem and this one tooo much...:)..
well.. thats love, buddy... too complex yet too simple!:)
My Goodness! Swetank........dyu kno dat U've written the best piece of prose i hav EVER read?! dis has touched me through d abysmal depths of my being. seriously.
love.........yes,,,,,,u've been thru it......felt it......everything is der here....d pain...d angst...d hope.....d infinite happiness.......
u've churned out a masterpiece. & now i only want........more masterpieces!!!!:)
& anoder thing.......i hv read sumwher dat......lov is the very act of the SELF.......mayb love would nvr end had it not been 'selfless'.........:)
u keep writin & giving ur amazingly beautiful perspective about each feeling in life......especially.....love..!
Hi Swetank, do you know someone put this whole post of yours ('How I Loved') into a comment on my blog? And there was absolutely no relation between content and so-called comment whatsoever. If you want me to delete it, I will do it happily. Incomprehensible!! And I apologise for 'Anonymous' in advance.
I should add, I found the original source (you) by googling a line or two. Thank goodness for Google, sometimes.
Hey! I am the anon who pasted your post (sounds funny) on someone else's blog. Didn't realise it was an infringement of copyright laws. So sorry. The only reason I did that was because I found your post very moving and it rang true. To give myself credit, I did add your name to the comment so that you could be easily identified as the author. Don't know why frantyck had to google a few lines. Anyway, do keep writing. :)
@Anonymous
Hey, as I said, I don't really mind, but why don't you reveal your name. It'll be good to know you. :)
Oh, and thanks for liking the post.
I would prefer to remain anonymous for now. But let me adopt a cyber name, scout (borrowed from fiction by one of my favourite authors),to identify myself. By the way, haven't read anything by Steinbeck as yet although I did see the movie 'Grapes of Wrath' and liked it. Which book do you think I should start first?
Hmmm... I don't know too much about Steinbeck myself, having read only 'Of Mice and Men' and a short story titled 'Breakfast'.
You could start with 'Of Mice and Men' given the reasonable size, though 'Grapes of Wrath' is considered his best work. Also, 'East of Eden' is great, from what I've heard. Other than that, he becomes repetitive and boring.
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